by Thomas Gaebel
THIS ARTICLE ISN’T ABOUT being a transgender partner. Not really. It’s about being on the bottom rung, in the hole, off the map, on a deserted island, alone and unheard for the first time in my white-gay-guy-privileged life and I’m hating it.
I’m googling, trying to find something from a Gay man, or ANY man for that matter, about having a trans partner, or more pointedly, a Gay man with a Gay partner who transitions, Male-to-Female.
Here is the list of what I’m finding in order of appearance:
#1. Straight Female partners of MTF
#2. Lesbian partners of FTM
#3. Gay men new-to and dating FTM
#4 Straight men new-to and dating MTF
#8 Echoes of my voice in the dark . . .
#9 Gay Partners of Trans MTF (Mostly just me)
As I mentioned before, for the FIRST time in my life I’m at the back of the line, outside the velvet rope, and gagged. No one wants to hear what I have to say, and no one can relate. Not today anyway. What the hell is going on?
Here are my theories:
Gay guys don’t mind
Gay relationships are often somewhat transitional anyway. If I was straight, I’d have been through 11 wives by now, because the process of trial and error is significantly less painful when you’re gay. In my gay house, the exit sign is clearly visible and lit 24/7, so if anyone is unhappy and wants to go, the door is never locked from the inside. No children to claim as fruit of the union, no laws are in place to protect or appease the jilted gay lover, so we’re all free to leave at any time. That simplifies things. The greatest cost of a gay breakup is the Uhaul rental.
That’s not any incentive to stay if your partner decides he’s been in the wrong gender this whole time. It hurts to say goodbye, but so does a manicure if you do it right. I’m guessing this explains why there aren’t any Gay guys writing and weeping about their lovers lost to gender dysphoria. We support our trans friends, which simply means there’s a new fag-hag at the bar. Flaunt it Belinda! Yasss girl!
Straight guys must be horrified
Or maybe Female to Male transitions among heterosexual couples must be rare. Think about it; if a person is female, and is attracted to men, then she transitions to male and keeps her sexual preference, that person is now Gay. The husband or boyfriend from before the transition is now hiding in a closet somewhere hoping to disappear before someone asks him if this makes him Gay too. I can think of little else more emasculating than a situation that defines your sexuality simply through circumstance. Stay with her/him-you must like guys. GAY.
I’m sure the majority of straight male partner’s responses are “Bye for now.”
Is he gonna blog about it? Write a book about it? Talk to his priest about it? Oh Hell No.
The only thing we’re gonna hear from this one is the crickets, see #6 from above.
Then you have me, or rather US
I’m not 20-something—I’ve been around the block, had a few lovers, and finally settled down with one I was very compatible with, happy with, attracted to and most of all, FRIENDS with. After nine years together he drops the bomb; He’s trans and starting the hormone engines, and I’m googling my brains out looking for answers before launch time.
Hello Cricket my old friend . . .
That was a while ago, we’re at year 12 now, happy to masquerade as hetero-imposters when it suits us, comfortable on the dance floor of any Gay bar in Los Angeles, really enjoying the best of all worlds. My Mother is pleased I finally found the right girl, my sisters have someone they can gossip with, and we’ve even successfully confused the hell out of my religious-zealot cousin and his orthodox christian wife – they have no idea Allie was born male. They love her, and congratulate me on beating the Gay disease. We snicker behind their backs.
I guess my point here is; if you’re looking for information on what it means to be a Gay-male couple as one of you transitions to female, it’s not always the sad, angry, depressing compromise of a story you might expect. Some of us come out alright, though everyone is different. I’ve discovered that I’m far more in love with Allie than I was with my Gay identity as it relates to Allie- does that make sense? No? Too bad.
Know this, there’s more to any long-term relationship than the sex your having now. If you don’t believe me, ask your parents, or grandparents, or anyone that’s been together longer than three years. It get’s better, and sex has little to do with it.
Allie and I have officially turned off the exit sign by the way. We wish you the best of luck. We’ll see you on the dance floor.
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Tommy Gaebel is a guest blogger and posts his writings at www.transaffection.wordpress.com. He’s currently writing a book “The Butterfly Thing: A Gay Guy’s Take on Transgender Partnering” about his experiences with Allie and the transgender phenomenon, to be published next year.